How I Found Out About My Loss

August 11, 2010 was a Wednesday and the day of my glucose tolerance test for my third pregnancy.  I was 26 weeks pregnant with a little boy named Scott Alexander.  OB appointments were pretty routine for me by this point because I was on my third pregnancy and aside from the fact that I always looked forward to hearing my baby's heartbeat they were pretty boring to attend.  This appointment in particular was going to be a long one because I was having my glucose tolerance test.

Box of Chocolates

Since losing my son I have not enjoyed using social networking sites like Facebook.  For me Facebook is my personal, and very literal box of chocolates.  When I log in and see newsfeed I never know what I am going to get.  Most of my friends are parents, new parents, or even expectant parents and lets just say the truth, they love to post about their kids, babies, and pregnancies. 

My New Future

On August 11, 2010 my life completely changed with just a few words "I can't find a heartbeat."  All I could say was "no".  I didn't want this to be my future.  I didn't want this to be a part of the rest of my life.  I didn't want to have to grieve for the rest of my life.  The feeling of my future was exhausting and scary. It was not part of "My Plan".  How could I lose my baby when he was in the safest place in the world? How could I have failed my baby when all I had to do was take care of him? This was supposed to be the part of having a child thats easy and carefree and joyful, why is it now my worst nightmare? I went through all these thoughts in those split seconds after hearing that my baby's heartbeat could not be found.  All I could think was no, this is not true, this is not my future. 

This is my future, and my present, and its become my past. My son was stillborn.