August 11, 2010 was a Wednesday and the day of my glucose tolerance test for my third pregnancy. I was 26 weeks pregnant with a little boy named Scott Alexander. OB appointments were pretty routine for me by this point because I was on my third pregnancy and aside from the fact that I always looked forward to hearing my baby's heartbeat they were pretty boring to attend. This appointment in particular was going to be a long one because I was having my glucose tolerance test.
The test is always scheduled in the morning since you need and empty stomach, so I had to arrive by 8:30am. So that morning I got up, got dressed, and left my mother in law in charge of my two rambunctious toddlers who fortunately were still sleeping when I left on my 30 minute trek to the doctor. Since my husband and I had been through two other pregnancies we decided that the only appointments he would attend for this pregnancy were the ultrasound appointments so on I went to the doctor alone for routine checkups such as this one.
On my drive to the OB I felt as if something was off but I could not put my finger on the problem (I later realized that I had not felt my baby move since the night before). To calm my nerves I called my husband on the drive in and talked to him about my upcoming appointment and my hopes that I had finally gained some weight since I had been struggling to gain weight this pregnancy. At the end of the phone call I told my husband I would call when I was finished and let him know how everything went. He replied that I could just talk to him when he had his lunch break as he had a busy day. For some reason that comment irked me and I said "Don't you want to hear how your son is doing" and of course he said he did and that he just meant he could hear about it at lunch. Thinking it was just a fresh dose of pregnancy hormones I calmed down and said again that I would call when I got done with my appointment.
I arrived at my OB's office and was immediately brought back so that we could begin my glucose test since I had to wait an hour for my blood to be drawn. First they checked my weight and I had gained 10 pounds so I was very pleased to have finally gained weight. Next, I went into the exam room and the nurse gave me the glucose drink to begin my test. I drank all of the ultra sweet syrupy drink and was told my doctor would be in shortly and then after that I could go an complete my hospital pre-registration for delivery while waiting to have my blood work. My doctor came in and asked if I had any issues or questions and I did not have any that I could think of so he began the exam. He measured my fundal height and then brought out the Doppler. When he put the probe on my belly I heard a faint heartbeat and was waiting for it to be louder and make that distinct whooing noise. At that point my doctor readjusted the probe and continued to try and get that loud distinct heartbeat. I was thinking that maybe the baby was just positioned strangely and he was having difficulty finding a good angle, as can happen with ultrasound. So I continued to wait for that happy sound of my baby's heartbeat. After a few minutes my doctor decided to bring in an ultrasound machine. He told me that this machine was on the fritz but would try it before taking me to an ultrasound room. He could not get a clean image on the portable machine so he brought me to an ultrasound room. I still at this point had no clue that my world was about to change forever. I was still harboring the theory that Scott was in a strange position for a good Doppler read. On the way to the ultrasound room the doctor flagged a nurse and asked if she could help him. I later realized it was because he knew the news he was likely to deliver. Of course, to prolong the suspense the ultrasound machine was off and my doctor had to follow the hand written directions left by their tech to boot up the machine. After about five minutes in he got the machine going and began my ultrasound. It was not even ten seconds later that my doctor looked up at me and said "I can't find a heartbeat." My stomach sank and my heart felt like it stopped. I uttered "what" and then all I could say was "No". It wasn't yelled or cried out it was just a flat blank "no". I was shocked. This was the last think I expected to hear from my doctor. I was waiting for him to tell me that Scott was curled up in a strange position and it was making it hard for him to hear his heartbeat on the Doppler, not for him to tell me he could not detect a heartbeat. At this point my doctor said that he needed to go and get a tech to confirm what he suspected. I couldn't even form words all I could do was say "no". After the tech came in it took her seconds to look at me and without words confirm all of my worst fears. You would think that this time would be a blur but I remember every second distinctly. After the tech left my doctor took over the ultrasound again and asked if he could look at some things and take some measurements. All I wanted to do was have my husband there with me and not be alone so I asked the nurse to get my phone out of my purse. My husband answered on the second ring and asked how my appointment went. His reply was sobs and the words "You need to come to the hospital now." He said "I'm leaving right now." I didn't tell him the news over the phone because I was concerned for his drive to the hospital so all he knew was that there was something very wrong.
At this point my doctor had measured the size of Scott and told me that he was measuring four weeks smaller than my 26 week gestation. That news was shocking because my babies had always been big for their gestation and I had no idea why he would be so small when at 22 weeks he was right on target. Basically he had not grown at all since my previous OB appointment. I decided I needed to talk to my mom so I sent her a "911" text since she would be at work during my appointment. She immediately called me and as soon as I answered I sobbed into the phone "He's dead" she did not know who I was referring to and asked "Who?". So I sobbed "Scott's dead". I don't think she knew how to respond. She began to ask me all sorts of questions so I told her to talk to my doctor, who is a former colleague of my mom. When he got on the phone with her he said that he thought Scott may have a hole in his abdomen and that my have been why he died. Hearing this news was shocking because nothing was detected in my previous ultrasounds. After my OB finished speaking with my mom she told me that she would be there as soon as she could get a replacement for her to leave work. My OB then completed my ultrasound and left to begin paperwork for my pending delivery. I stayed in the ultrasound room and waited for my husband. About twenty minutes later my husband arrived and when he walked into the room he looked confused and concerned. He did not have any idea the news I was about to deliver. As he walked over to me I said to him, "He's dead, they could not find a heartbeat and he's gone." I can still picture the look of shock and grief on my husbands face. He did not know how to react to such shocking news and all he could say was "What?". He was in the exact same place as me. He immediately pulled me into his arms and together we cried over the shocking loss of our first son.
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